The myth of prescribed grief

 

Caroline Lloyd, Student Advisory Group member talks to us about grief:

‘You should be over it by now’

‘How long has it been, aren’t you finished grieving yet?’

‘You shouldn’t be dwelling on it’

‘Haven’t you been through all the stages of grief by now?’

‘It’s been a year, you should move on’

 

As a bereaved person we are all used to hearing platitudes: well-intentioned friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances etc. want to offer their sympathies and this is their idea of support.   But as we know through experience; grief isn’t prescriptive.  It doesn’t have a timeline or a set pattern.  There is no benchmarking to see if we are doing ‘poorly’, ‘average’, ‘well’ or ‘excellent’ against some prescribed formula or table.  Grief is unique to the person experiencing it due to the unique nature of the relationship that’s been lost.  Two people of the same family who are bereaved will have different grief experiences because their relationship with the deceased was different.  We don’t just lose the person, we lose the role they had in our lives and the identity that gave us: mother, sister, daughter, niece, stepmother, aunt, friend, colleague….ad infinitum.

 

So where does this ‘getting over’ bereavement come from?  It stems from Freud – he suffered from the loss of his daughter and although he acknowledged that he grieved for her his entire life, he nevertheless published in his professional work that you ‘get over’ the death of a loved one.  As the godfather of psychotherapy, his word was gospel and this became ingrained in Western society.  It’s ironic that these two opposing positions were never questioned and given half a chance I’d love to chat to him and ask him why he espoused one thing in his professional life and acknowledged another in his personal life!  Unfortunately, that wasn’t meant to be….

 

This mantle was continued and superimposed on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s studies from her book On Death & Dying, (Simon & Schuster/Touchstone), 1969.  Kubler-Ross wrote the book as a result of her studies and work within palliative care.  She was appalled at the way people were treated at the end of their lives and campaigned for better, more humane treatment.  Her book was not about grief per se.  These were five stages of ‘grief’ that patients encountered at the end of their lives.  I.e. they were ‘grieving’ for their life before it ended.  So whilst Freud and Kubler-Ross’s work was pioneering and still incredibly important and relevant, some elements have been elicited and misconstrued to perpetuate the myth that everyone who is grieving moves through these five stages and then it ends.

 

The stages that Kubler-Ross identified are:

 

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

 

Whilst it’s true that some people will experience all of these emotions as a reaction to the death of a loved one, not all will and not all will in sequential order.   Grief is much more complicated than this and encompasses the intellectual, psychological, behavioural, spiritual, physical, emotional, practical and social aspects of our lives.  This effectively means we all have an individual grief experience in any combination of feelings, thoughts and actions and every bereavement we have will be different but may encompass any or all of the above.

 

In my experience, the most common emotions following bereavement are guilt, anger, anxiety, regret and obviously overwhelming sadness.  What emotions you feel will be dependent on the nature of the attachment (I will write a blog about attachment theory at a later date) and relationship and this will also have a bearing on how long you grieve for the loss.

 

So how long does grief last?  How long is a piece of string?

 

Following the death of a loved one, we mourn for them in our own socially acceptable way and in whatever way feels natural to us, irrespective of theories and ‘steps’.    If we are unable to express our feelings regarding our journey to those around us, it might be helpful to just tell them that we are currently in the process of adjusting to our loss rather than ‘getting over it’.   We build our world around the loss of our loved ones whilst maintaining the relationship within our hearts and minds, whilst also honouring their memory.

 

This takes as long as it takes….

 

If you like to understand the origins of more of the myths of grief; such as why the death of a child is different, the different grieving styles, or learn what to say to a griever or how the internet is impacting bereavement, my first book “Grief Demystified” is available in the TCD library.

Caroline Lloyd

After a suicide

When a friend or classmate dies by suicide, it can turn the world upside down for a while. We may have experienced grief or bereavement before, but the feelings that follow a suicide are completely unique. Some have described it as “grief with the volume turned up”. The shock of a sudden death with the added knowledge that this person actually chose to end their own life can bring on a range of different thoughts and emotions, which can feel confusing or overwhelming.

It’s actually quite common that our own response will surprise us, confuse us or worry us. We might feel like we are overreacting (“I didn’t even know him that well”) or underreacting (“why am I not as upset as everyone else?”). Or we may feel emotions that are unexpected or uncomfortable (“Why am I so angry?”).

Our grief response is as unique as our fingerprint. Everyone responds in different ways. Even if we feel like someone else had the same relationship to the person who died as we did, we may be surprised that their response is so vastly different from ours.

It can sometimes happen that we get preoccupied with hierarchies of who gets to be most upset. We might feel we don’t have the same right to be upset as the deceased person’s partner or family member. Often these imagined hierarchies are based on simple categories. Family trumps friendship. Classmate trumps club/society friend. Longer friendships trump new ones. “Real life” friendships trump online ones. The problem with these imagined hierarchies is when they make us dismiss our own grief, or make us feel unable to seek support or join in with the rituals of the grieving because we feel we aren’t entitled to it, even though our feelings are 100% real. These hierarchies also over-simplify the nuances of why our own grief experience is so unique. Our friendship with the deceased might have been pretty new – maybe their other friends have never even met us. But if our connection to the person who died felt really special and intense, then our loss will feel huge. So we must try not to get caught up in comparisons, or judgements of our own or others reactions. Our reaction to the death will come from a combination of many factors:

• The unique relationship we had with the person who died – how close we were, how things were between us when they died, and whether there was any unfinished business.
• Our own history of loss – the experience of grief can “reawaken” the feelings about others we have lost, either recently or long ago, and we can feel like we are going through the loss again.
• Our own experience with being suicidal. If we have been suicidal in the past, it can be scary to recognise ourselves in the story of what happened to our friend, and perhaps how close we came to the same outcome.

So what reaction can we expect? Well, anything and everything, to be honest. We might feel numb, or we might feel despairing. We might feel heartbroken, and we might feel full of rage. We might feel deep sadness, while also feeling some relief or acceptance. We might feel rejected, or we might feel guilty. We might be unable to stop crying, or we might be unable to feel anything. It’s likely we will move between these different emotions from one day to the next, or even one hour to the next.

What marks suicide as unique compared to other deaths is that we are left full of questions, as well as full of “if only” thoughts. Our minds are likely to comb over the hours, days and weeks before our friend’s death looking for small moments where a different decision or a different word spoken might have changed the outcome. And we absolutely yearn for the opportunity to go back in time and make things different. We might feel guilt over things we wish we had said or done, or anger at others who we feel could or should have done more. Unless our loved one left a note (and most of the time they don’t), it is unlikely we will ever know for sure why they did what they did. That can feel unbearable, and in the early days particularly, that question of WHY will likely be at the forefront of our mind. Over time the best we can hope for is an acceptance of not knowing. We must resist the urge to settle on simple answers, that the suicide was due to one event, or one incident. This is rarely the case.

Whatever strong emotions you are going through, know that it’s a completely normal response to an abnormal situation. It might not feel normal – it probably feels absolutely awful. But know that it is normal. It will take a while to regain your equilibrium and return to feeling OK again. It takes time, but you also will probably have to push yourself a little back into your normal life. Initially, that will feel impossible, then one day you will notice it doesn’t feel quite so impossible. It can be tempting to withdraw from friends or push feelings away with alcohol or drugs, but this tends to make things worse or prolong them. The rituals surrounding a death (both the formal ones and the informal ones) can be really helpful. If for any reason you don’t feel able to participate in the official ones, don’t be afraid to make your own. Anything that marks the person’s life can be helpful – looking back over photos or videos, lighting a candle, visiting a special place or listening to their favourite music. It can be nice to feel an enduring connection with the person you’ve lost even after they are gone.

As you start to feel better, don’t feel guilty for that. Just because you go a day without thinking about them, or have a laugh with friends again, it doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten. Keep an eye out for upcoming milestones and significant dates that are likely to bring all the sadness back again – birthdays, celebrations, anniversaries, graduations etc.

Remember to seek support when you need it. If you have a tight and supportive group of friends or a very supportive family, that might be enough. However, if you are struggling to talk to people about this, or feeling alone in it, or if you are finding the emotions overwhelming, or if there are parts of your reaction that are too difficult to share (for instance if you feel guilty), please come see a counsellor. If your academic work is suffering, remember to get in touch with your tutor or supervisor to let them know what has happened, and they will help you if accommodations need to be made or extensions sought. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who also knew the person who died, and sometimes it’s more helpful to talk to someone who didn’t. You also have the SU welfare officer, the S2S peer supporters and Niteline available to you. There is no need to go it alone.